Walk Home

i walked my way home again today, and it wasn’t as easy as i expected it to be. i didn’t just walk home. i realized that i walked home -  alone.

all too suddenly, the memories that i have burried away in forgetfulness came to haunt me once more. your innocent face came into remembrance, oh, so easily. i have laboured for years to figure out a way to erase you completely. but here you are - still alive inside me.

i looked afar and saw the exhausted sun set on the west, and i stopped to watch it disappear behind the tall buildings. it has been another day that i spent without you.

it was already dark and the street lights were on. people were walking past me, rushing, cabs were blowing their horns, heavy traffic on the streets, and some stores and establishments were beginning to close. i was in the middle of all the people, the activities, the lights and the noise. but i felt so separated - so alone.

why have i chosen to walk home today, anyway? to be honest, i never really liked walking home! then i remembered. it has been over three years ago when you asked me if we could walk home together. i hesitated and at first and didnt appreciate the idea. but then, i thought to myself that, after all, you were with me and so it was worth the tired feet. it was during those walk-home times that we both had so much fun: i laughed, i hollered, i danced, clapped my hands, sang and jumped around. it was through those walk-homes that we learned to love each other and finally said “i love you.” then suddenly, three years ago, i started to home again… alone.

i shook all those bitter memories away, pressed on and took timid steps to overcome the long road ahead that, once upon a time, we both treaded. you have forgotten me. i must forget you too.

I Miss Him

home

 i never saw him ever since he fell in love with a stranger…

it has been more than three years since we last met. i remember seeing that happy guy last July 29, 2004. on that Wednesday morning, he greeted me with a very sweet smile and walked with me to school. he was very happy and it seemed as if he never ran out of reasons to laugh. he was really fun to be with, and i learned a lot about him during our walk together on that fine morning. he was truly an open book. he never hesitated to tell me things that i thought were quite personal and important to him. just before we parted ways, he was able to mention about a change that would happen to him. i never took it seriously, though.

the following day, i walked my way to school again expecting that he would be there to walk with me like we do everyday. strangely, i reached our school and he wasnt with me. it disturbed me a lot because this has never happened before. i looked for him everywhere but never saw him. until today, i still continue to walk to school alone.

everyday when i wake up, i remember him. i remember him as a very happy person. i remember his contagious smile and his bright eyes. i remember the way he would open up his heart, just to let me see who he really was, every morning. it never really mattered to him that i was asking so much about his life.i remember him as a hopeful, wonderful and magnificent guy. i remember him so well.

i never saw him after that fine Wednesday morning three years ago. i miss him so much.

i miss him - the person that i used to be.

Musings…

i remember someone told me that no matter how one would believe that a certain key can open a lock;  but if it is not the right key, the lock will never open. now i realized how true that illustration is. i am able to relate it to the relationship that i just ended minutes ago. i realized that there are a lot of great things that no matter how i try to keep and hold on to, they will have to go and be set free.

just minutes ago, i suddenly didnt feel right about my relationship with Snow. i needed to let it go. i have more than valid reasons why i did what i did. 

peace.

Dear God…

it has been a very long time since the last time i talked to you. i know you know the way i am; you know me by heart and you even know my deepest secrets and you count the beating of my sinful heart.; you know me better than i know myself; you know me because you made me.

i want to take this time to tell you how grateful i am for your faithfulness to me though i have broken your heart millions of time already. Lord, i want to thank you for what you have done for me. i bring myself to the foot of the cross again - with great humility and awe. i thank you for the unconditional and unfailing love that you have for me. when i look back and recall everything that happened in my life, i could only cry, and i cant help it but acknowlege that it was you who carried me through every storm. in every trial, i now know that you provided a way out. i know i am a stubborn child, yet you never gave up on me. though i lived in darkness, i know you never failed to look down from heaven and protect me. i couldnt have made it without you. i doubted you many times, but you have proven my doubts to be wrong. in every darkness that i face, you have proven that your light still shines through. words are not never enough to express how i grateful i am, oh Lord.  my mind could not fathom how great your love is. i could only weep at the wonders that you have allowed to unfold before my very eyes.

i remember waking up one lonely morning and i said to myself that i couldnt make it through anymore. i opened my long-kept Bible and every word seemed to jump out of the pages and then i know that you were talking to me. Lord, that very moment i felt you there in that room with me.

Lord, i could not explain what i truly feel right now… no earthly or heveanly tounge can describe what my soul wants to express.

thank you for loving me this much.

Letting go…

i remember a time when i was really down way back in college, a friend of mine was with me and she forced me to shout as loud as i could until i would feel a little better. it was about  thirty past twelve early morning when i screamed my heart out to the starry skies while holding up a bottle of beer. i wanna do that later after im done with work.

i am going through the darkest part of this whole heartache that i think is self-inflicted. i realized that i have also been nursing the pain and the hurt, and i have been playing the tragic memories over and over again in my mind. lately i’ve been thinking of letting it all go.

i love her the same though we have fallen apart. until now, part of me still believes that one day, we can still be together. this is not likely to happen anymore, i realized. i need to just accept the fact that i am never gonna be good enough of her, and she was never for me. i finally realized that, currently, i have been holding on to failing hopes.

i dont want to live in a lie anymore .

it’s killing me but i am letting her go… she and her every memory.

A realization

it has been a very long time since i last posted something here. i have been really busy these days and i barely even have time for myself. my work load now increased and im facing a new challenge in my career since i have just been promoted to a higher position in the company that i work for.

nothing very significant happened to me since i last posted an entry here. i have lived a very monotonous life these days, no adventures, no special events, no heart-warming love -  just nothing  but work. oh well, i go out with my friends as well, just to smoke and have some beer. and im tired… and lonely. i have everything i need, i lack nothing but one thing: the happiness that i felt when Patty was still mine. in the middle of my busy schedule, i would usually take a pause for a reason that is unknown to me. then i feel a certain pinch inside my chest and this tiny pinch grows into pain as i tried to figure out what it was for. i would just thrug it away and push through with the busy routine that i go through every single day.

today, the pinch came to visit me again. suddenly, it seemed to me like i was in the middle of an actively engaged crowd - lost and alone.  in that very second i was able to ask myself why im busy, why im working, why im so caught up with what i do. i began to question what all this is for.

since the day i said goodbye to her, i focused all my attention and time on working, writing angry songs rather than love songs and went on with my life pretending that i never knew her at all. i just couldnt take the pain of letting go.

now i know what that pinch in my chest was about. now i know why im working so hard.

i miss her and i love her. but i guess i need to finally let go of the past and all the sweet memories of the only person that i truly loved. i know that i'll never love this way again.

Reposted: Memories of the Flickering City Lights

i walked in zigzag as i tried to walk home with alcohol in my blood. it was forty past two during that cold dawn. as i tried to figure out the right path, i would pause to look then proceed. somehow, my eyes became so lazy and tired until my vision turned unclear. the light from the poles which are very far apart were weak - they would fade into the darkness until i’d reach another pole with yet another blurry light. i pressed on and slowly began to wonder where i was in my journey home.  as i looked ahead, the dark road seemed to continue on, and the objects in the corners of my sight were strange and unfamiliar. i suddenly turned back to realize that i have lost my way.

i shook my head with hopes that my state of mind would normalize. the spirit was willing but my flesh was weak.  i decided to a complete halt in the middle of that growing darkness of dawn. as i looked back, the lights from those poles flickered from seemingly far away. those lights then placed the memory back to remembrance of that night in Manila; when we were in a room at the 12nd floor of that fancy hotel. we opened the windows and looked down to those city lights that flickered like the pole lights that filckered behind my path. with all i am, i have tried to fight the memory from breaking loose. I have gathered all my friends tonight to find distractions from this excruciating anguish of having to bear the memory of her face.

that night, we looked  down to the movements below us as we held hands and planned for a future that i thought would come to pass. i remember so well the look on her face when, suddenly, tears bursted from her innocent eyes for a reason unknown to me - for a reason she said was not relevant.

i continued to gaze at those lights as they flicker - this time, on my weakened knees. i have lost my strength, and my heart felt too heavy. when i answered my phone earlier tonight, only then did i know why she wept during our stay in that hotel. she called me up just before she boarded the plane that would take her away never to return. i gently rubbed my eyes to wipe the tears away. my hope has deserted me, and i dont see us together in that future we planned while we looked down, with hands held together, to those city lights. it was just a lie.

i have turned my fears, my pain and my love into rage, as i forcefully lifted myself up. though the road ahead seemed blurry and endless, though i never knew where it would lead, i took brave and wrathful steps forward and slowly disappeared into the darkness… 

5 months before…… 

after the heat has subsided, she told me to put my arms
around her and just embrace her until the sun would
peek from the horizon. and so i did. it was more than
just wonderful to have her with me. i was so happy and
yet slowly, i began to feel a little pain growing in
my heart. there was this tiny pinch that i felt deep
within me. i began to hum a song to put her to sleep, i was awake;
holding her close to me and i just watched over she as
she slept…

tears began to fall from my eyes and my voice shook
until i went through the last note. the pain inside my
heart has taken over me. it did hurt a lot to know that
when tomorrow would come, she would have to leave, go home
 not knowing when we would see each other again….

Heart of the Matter - India Arie

******** i just can't say anything about this song. Jenny, a friend of mine from Cebu told me about this song and when i checked it out, i was blown away by its message. such a nice song… **********

Hahahaha! Hindi ako makaisip ng title para d2!

Tue love, once it was
Now has crumbled to lies and hate
As deception held it captive
To the beauty of broken fate.

Let the stars retreat their light
For I wont wish wish on them, no more
Let the sunshine fade
And the music be silenced
For I have lost the battle,
My sword broken
And my body bruised and wounded,
My heart ton apart
My soul decapitated.

True love, once it was
Has caused my death,
True love, once it was
Has ended tonight
Love - now is a lie
Spared not my life.

This Present Time

i wanna keep things simple…

 after a break up that i thought would kill me, i am so surprised that in 3 days time i was able to move on. it was an awesome feeling when i woke up that morning to find out that i was not hurting anymore. i felt like i resurrected and to think that it was the 3rd day since the break up. finally, i am over with the pain, the tears and all that. nevertheless, the love inside me remained.

right now, i also face a crossroad…well, i am choosing between 3 things: 1.) goin back to school 2.) continue working and fly to manila 3.) or to cebu.

those are the major things in my life… at this present time… wala lang. share…