I’ve Learned (Thurs., March 31, 2005)

somehow, now i am learning more than ever. it has been a very wild ride, and i barely know myself now. i have done so many things that at first i didnt know i was capable of doing. today, when i look back at those times, i could only shake my head in disbelief. 

i have awaken from a deep slumber filled with nightmares, and i am glad that i was able to grab hold and gather myself up again before i got so caught up in all the false bliss that the dream-turned-nightmare gave me.

the best thing of all is that though i have been partially broken, i learned my lesson. yah, i learned it the hard way because i didnt take head to my convictions. i let my mind and emotions take control. nevertheless, i now know what i needed to know now. i have the scars of battle. though i am hurt and wounded, i have won. i have learned.

thank you for being part of it.

That rainy Thursday night… (Mon., October 16, 2006)

“Thank You For The Rain”

We then started walking

Tried to reach for your hand
But I couldnt dare
The rain then started falling
But as If I care

You mentioned earlier something about raining
How it seemed not to cooperate on our every rendezvous
That night it came as a slight drizzle
Yet all I can think of was you

We walked on in silence
Tried to break it but was so inevitable
Silence to me was having you in my mind
But not to hear your voice was even more unbearable

The moment came to bid you goodbye, goodnight
Started to walk away but you called out my name
I walked back just to have you lean to me closer
My lips felt your sweet, soft ones, there goes our first kiss
I couldnt be happier

I love you baby, and I know you love me too
People might now say Im lame
But Im so thankful to have you
Just as I am for the rain

THANKS Jeigh_Cee

Until Today (Tue., November 14, 2006)

i struggle each day, and i labour to forget the shadows of our past. everyday, the memories visit me whether awake or not. i have thought about everything, every detail of the fairytale that we were once part of. i have decided to erase every line, to tear the pages apart, to burn it all away. still, i have every word engraved in my heart.

everyday is a new battle between me and the armies of my memories; a bloody fight in the depth of my soul. it is not easy to pretend and show the world; that i have forgotten, that i have moved on though deep inside the this cancer called love still grows for you.

the more that i exhausted all strength to crucify this desire, the more that i am weak and defenseless in this war. but still i know that there is no turning back. i must fight your memories and bury them into forgetting.

i will move on…

I am my HERO (Sunday, November 26, 2006)

…been very busy with work, busy singing for the band, busy pushing for my application for a higher position in the company that i am working for. i have been all over the place everyday, doing my usual routine - hardly taking my rest or sleep. fortunately, the management has granted me a week off from work. 

i returned home today, turned on the lights and sat on the side of my long unused bed. thoughts then started to flow as i listened to the silence that surround me. my memories took me back when i was still going to college, way back when life was harsh and cruel, and everydays seemed like a battle and the only way out was to fall into a deep sleep and wake up again for another day’s battle. each and every day was a cycle of defeat… was defeated in my battle for love, for family, for wealth, for truth and justice. all that i ever possessed was stripped from me. 

today when i look back, i couldn’t help but weep. i couldn’t believe how i made it through, how i manage to pull things together and make my troubles work for my benefit. i weep in amazement at how strong i was and how stronger i have become. i weep because i still wonder how i was able to turn things around. i was only a kid when i started to stand for myself; not seeking help from anyone else but me. heroes dont exist in my life. i am my own hero. i have proven it.

Repost: A Prayer (Sun., Dec. 03, 2006)

i am honored to have known you, my Lord. you woke me up today with the rays of light in the coolness of the early morn. as soon as i opened my eyes, you placed joy in this heart and made me realize how great you are and how vast your love is for me. thank you, Lord, for reminding me that you still hold me though i may let go. Lord, i couldn’t thank you enough for remembering me and for keeping the covenant you and i have sealed during that day that i surrendered to your call. 

Amazing Lord, my heart could not contain the joy that you have granted me today.

“You know that depth of my heart and you love me the same…

You are amazing God…”

Walk Home

i walked my way home again today, and it wasn’t as easy as i expected it to be. i didn’t just walk home. i realized that i walked home -  alone.

all too suddenly, the memories that i have burried away in forgetfulness came to haunt me once more. your innocent face came into remembrance, oh, so easily. i have laboured for years to figure out a way to erase you completely. but here you are - still alive inside me.

i looked afar and saw the exhausted sun set on the west, and i stopped to watch it disappear behind the tall buildings. it has been another day that i spent without you.

it was already dark and the street lights were on. people were walking past me, rushing, cabs were blowing their horns, heavy traffic on the streets, and some stores and establishments were beginning to close. i was in the middle of all the people, the activities, the lights and the noise. but i felt so separated - so alone.

why have i chosen to walk home today, anyway? to be honest, i never really liked walking home! then i remembered. it has been over three years ago when you asked me if we could walk home together. i hesitated and at first and didnt appreciate the idea. but then, i thought to myself that, after all, you were with me and so it was worth the tired feet. it was during those walk-home times that we both had so much fun: i laughed, i hollered, i danced, clapped my hands, sang and jumped around. it was through those walk-homes that we learned to love each other and finally said “i love you.” then suddenly, three years ago, i started to home again… alone.

i shook all those bitter memories away, pressed on and took timid steps to overcome the long road ahead that, once upon a time, we both treaded. you have forgotten me. i must forget you too.

I Miss Him

home

 i never saw him ever since he fell in love with a stranger…

it has been more than three years since we last met. i remember seeing that happy guy last July 29, 2004. on that Wednesday morning, he greeted me with a very sweet smile and walked with me to school. he was very happy and it seemed as if he never ran out of reasons to laugh. he was really fun to be with, and i learned a lot about him during our walk together on that fine morning. he was truly an open book. he never hesitated to tell me things that i thought were quite personal and important to him. just before we parted ways, he was able to mention about a change that would happen to him. i never took it seriously, though.

the following day, i walked my way to school again expecting that he would be there to walk with me like we do everyday. strangely, i reached our school and he wasnt with me. it disturbed me a lot because this has never happened before. i looked for him everywhere but never saw him. until today, i still continue to walk to school alone.

everyday when i wake up, i remember him. i remember him as a very happy person. i remember his contagious smile and his bright eyes. i remember the way he would open up his heart, just to let me see who he really was, every morning. it never really mattered to him that i was asking so much about his life.i remember him as a hopeful, wonderful and magnificent guy. i remember him so well.

i never saw him after that fine Wednesday morning three years ago. i miss him so much.

i miss him - the person that i used to be.

Musings…

i remember someone told me that no matter how one would believe that a certain key can open a lock;  but if it is not the right key, the lock will never open. now i realized how true that illustration is. i am able to relate it to the relationship that i just ended minutes ago. i realized that there are a lot of great things that no matter how i try to keep and hold on to, they will have to go and be set free.

just minutes ago, i suddenly didnt feel right about my relationship with Snow. i needed to let it go. i have more than valid reasons why i did what i did. 

peace.

Dear God…

it has been a very long time since the last time i talked to you. i know you know the way i am; you know me by heart and you even know my deepest secrets and you count the beating of my sinful heart.; you know me better than i know myself; you know me because you made me.

i want to take this time to tell you how grateful i am for your faithfulness to me though i have broken your heart millions of time already. Lord, i want to thank you for what you have done for me. i bring myself to the foot of the cross again - with great humility and awe. i thank you for the unconditional and unfailing love that you have for me. when i look back and recall everything that happened in my life, i could only cry, and i cant help it but acknowlege that it was you who carried me through every storm. in every trial, i now know that you provided a way out. i know i am a stubborn child, yet you never gave up on me. though i lived in darkness, i know you never failed to look down from heaven and protect me. i couldnt have made it without you. i doubted you many times, but you have proven my doubts to be wrong. in every darkness that i face, you have proven that your light still shines through. words are not never enough to express how i grateful i am, oh Lord.  my mind could not fathom how great your love is. i could only weep at the wonders that you have allowed to unfold before my very eyes.

i remember waking up one lonely morning and i said to myself that i couldnt make it through anymore. i opened my long-kept Bible and every word seemed to jump out of the pages and then i know that you were talking to me. Lord, that very moment i felt you there in that room with me.

Lord, i could not explain what i truly feel right now… no earthly or heveanly tounge can describe what my soul wants to express.

thank you for loving me this much.

Letting go…

i remember a time when i was really down way back in college, a friend of mine was with me and she forced me to shout as loud as i could until i would feel a little better. it was about  thirty past twelve early morning when i screamed my heart out to the starry skies while holding up a bottle of beer. i wanna do that later after im done with work.

i am going through the darkest part of this whole heartache that i think is self-inflicted. i realized that i have also been nursing the pain and the hurt, and i have been playing the tragic memories over and over again in my mind. lately i’ve been thinking of letting it all go.

i love her the same though we have fallen apart. until now, part of me still believes that one day, we can still be together. this is not likely to happen anymore, i realized. i need to just accept the fact that i am never gonna be good enough of her, and she was never for me. i finally realized that, currently, i have been holding on to failing hopes.

i dont want to live in a lie anymore .

it’s killing me but i am letting her go… she and her every memory.