Thought I Was Strong…

it has been almost one year since i last confessed…

…since i last confessed of my love.

i have told you i am stronger now. but there is still a part of me that remained as unsettled, as fragile and as sensitive as a little child. it has been there all along. as i became busy with building my majestic SELF, i became less aware of its existence inside me.

just this afternoon, as i was sitting right there in front of the computer, it suddenly occured to me.

i miss you.

i havent done anything to remind myself of you. it just struck me right to the core! i was shaken when i finally accepted this truth; that i still need you here beside me. i have reached much since that day you said goodbye. surely, i smiled and laughed a lot. never did that mean that i was happy. though i smiled and laughed, there was this tiny pinch that i feel deep within. i laughed this feeling away.

it remained.

and just this lazy afternoon, it finally erupted right inside me.

still, i know that i am stronger now. because i can still live, breathe and make it without you here with me. in your absence, i can still do those things i do. without you, the sun will still rise and brighten up the day, the hours will still go by and life will go on. without you, i can still make it. but i now realized… it could've been better, life could be even merrier, i would be happier and my days would be brighter if i had you… if only i still have you…

Stronger

this time around i have decided to decide what is worth deciding.
i have decided to be strong. was i weak? never. i wasnt weak. i was just being stupid thinking i couldnt make it on my own. huh!

this time around i learned to give my time in flourishing myself. the growth may not be seen yet. yes. you can take me for granted. i have learned not to care for anyone anymore. but dont you dare going around telling everyone that once in blue moon, i smiled at you.

no. i'm not saying that i am superior.

my loss has worked for my gain. i was once blinded and i couldnt see what lies ahead of me and what is there yet to be uncovered. i was once so preoccupied with the "loss". but after a season of wrestling with myself, i finally understood what all this is for. you are one of those who ended my life so i could build a new and better one.

thank you.

it wasnt that easy for me to be able to conquer those nights of constant struggle, those never ending nights of groping in the dark and not knowing what to do or think, those nights of endless waiting - waiting for sleep to finally come and put me into total forgetfullness and rest. it was never easy to watch the clock tick, knowing that night is approaching and the same permeating pain would eventually swallow my soul. it wasnt easy for me to wait for the dawn and the sun to come up and illuminate my darkened world.

thank you for the very hard time you caused me. thank you for the torture you put me through. thank you for the heartbreaks. thank you for all the times you fought with me. thank you for back stabbing me. thank you for tearing me apart. thank you for crucifying me. all those has made me a better person. thank you so much.

i've learned. this time around, no more giving off tears. this time, no more giving off hearts. no more. ahh! life is a game and this time,  i am in control. thank you for mentoring me on how to lose my grip. now i have gained my hold back. i will never let it go.

12:48

it's 48 minutes past noon. here i sit near the door looking at no particular thing outside as i replay the memories i kept hidden inside my mind: the first time i heard your name, the first time i sent you a message and you did reply, that dull-suddenly-turned-bright, nimbus cloud-filled saturday morning when we met and got introduced to each other, the moment you reached out your hand and i took it. remember very well that rainy tuesday night when i went through the rain to meet you because you said so, that cold wednesday night when we smiled and began to walk hand in hand on those wet streets, not minding where we were heading just as long as we know that we have each other. i could vividly recall the feeling of being alone with you that thursday night when the rain came falling down again. i knew that time that there was something stirring inside us both. it was more than just wonderful. i still know the feel of your lips caressing mine when i called your beautiful name and leaned forward to you that same drizzly thursday night. the very moment my lips touched yours was no less than magical.

wait…

tears are beginning to fall now. i just realized that it is actually raining. and i am reminded of you and everything we went through together everytime it rains. perhaps because the rain was always there whenever we were together. haven't you noticed? i dont know…

I’ve Learned

somehow, now i am learning more than ever. it has been a very wild ride. and i barely know myself now. i have done so many things that at first i didnt know i was capable of doing. now, when i look back at those times, i could only shake my head in disbelief.

i have awaken from a deep slumber filled with nightmares. and i am glad that i was able to grab hold and gather myself up again before i got so caught up in all the false bliss the dream-turned-nightmare gave me.

the best thing of all is that though i have been partially broken, i learned my lesson. yah, i learned it the hard way because i didnt take head to my convictions. i let my mind and emotions take control. nevertheless, i now know what i needed to know. i have the scars of battle. and though i am hurt and wounded, i have won. i have learned.