You Are A King

i looked at the screen of the computer but it seemed too blurry and my eyes began to hurt. I forcefully shook my head to get myself to look at it clearly. Fortunately, it was successful. But there is one thing that I am not successful with. Yes, I have gotten my clear sight when I shook my head, but still the soul deep within me is blurry and hazy.

I have been thinking about so many things these days that I dont know if I am already hurting other people. Maybe I've been selfish coz I always wanted people's attention and care (which I am not getting). But hey, dont I deserve a little bit of consideration and understanding? I have been going through tough times. Look. My grandpa died. But let me tell you that he is not one of those thousands of other grandpas.

My childhood was so painful and full of grief. I can still remember when my family would not be able to make ends meet regarding our finances, our social status (we used to be the richest family in our place), our relationships, and especially, regarding me. They never expected me to come out of my mom's womb. But I was there. With all those pressures coming on every side, my family slowly fell apart, and I dont wanna dig deeper into that dark past.

In all those tribulations, though I was just a kid, I knew that something was wrong and I knew that it was serious. I would even cry myself to sleep sometimes because no matter how I tried to understand the situation that we are into, my mind would always fail me. I would spend hours labouring to think what could've gone wrong but my poor soul could not contain it.

There was only one person who kept me going on: my grandpa. He would stay late at night with me as I cry myself to sleep. He would keep on telling me that I am still a kid and I should not be troubled. He would tell me stories about his youth and the way things used to be and he'd say that no matter how poor we were that time, we would be able to get all the glory back into our hands. With those simple words, he never knew how he was able to keep me breathing and keep me waking up every painful morning, realizing that none of those glories was coming back. It's not about being rich; it's about being able to eat three times a day.

One day, my mom disowned me. She told me that if it wasn't because of me, they shouldn't have suffered. I was totally devastated by those words that came out of my mom's mouth that seem to cut me open.

One night, I was lying on my bed again, trying to cry myself to sleep but I couldn't sleep, so I just cried. Then my grandpa came near me, picked me up and he put his arms around me. I could feel his love overflowing. I can't believe how he was able to love such an unlovable being such as me. He loved me when no one else could. He tenderly kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Dong, you are never alone in this. Your Lolo is with you and I promise that I would get you out of this." He began to cry. Then he continued on, "Dong, don't ever listen to what you mom told you because it is never true. You're part of this family; YOU ARE A KING."

 The last line hit me to my core. I've never heard of someone calling me a king. But though I knew that it wasn't true, I believed grandpa. He told me that whenever I feel so down, I must remember that I am a king and I have to fear no one.

He was my source of strength, hope, courage, joy, peace, inspiration and love. He was my everything. I trusted him alone. I didn't even trust myself but I trusted him, and that trust allowed me to breathe every tiresome breath everyday as I struggled to live.

But now, I see him in that white coffin, lifeless, cold and out of reach. Oh, how I long to see myself with him. The world that I built around him just quaked and tumbled down to nothingness. As gaze upon him lying there, I could see my strength, hope, courage, joy, peace, inspiration, trust and love slip away from my grasp and leave. Every dream that we dreamed together just settled on the breeze and faded away.

"Dong, don't ever listen to what your mom told you because it is never true. Your part of this family; YOU ARE A KING." And then I realized that I am not a king, that the kingdom I owned was never there, and that my castle was made of sand…