Thank You For The Rain

Isang tula for my baby… (Wag ka nang umiyak)…

We then started walking

Tried to reach for your hand
But I couldnt dare
The rain then started falling
But as If I care

You mentioned earlier something about raining
How it seemed not to cooperate on our every rendezvous
That night it came as a slight drizzle
Yet all I can think of was you

We walked on in silence
Tried to break it but was so inevitable
Silence to me was having you in my mind
But not to hear your voice was even more unbearable

The moment came to bid you goodbye, goodnight
Started to walk away but you called out my name
I walked back just to have you lean to me closer
My lips felt your sweet, soft ones, there goes our first kiss
I couldnt be happier

I love you baby, and I know you love me too
People might now say Im lame
But Im so thankful to have you
Just as I am for the rain

       - thanks JC…

Memories of the Flickering City Lights

i walked in zigzag as i tried to walk home with alcohol in my blood and it was forty past two during that cold dawn. tried to figure out the right path, i would pause to look then proceed. somehow, my eyes became so lazy and tired that my vision turned unclear, and the light from the poles which are very far apart are weak;  they fade into the darkness until i reach another pole with a blurry light. i pressed on and slowly began to wonder where i was in my journey home.  as i looked ahead, the dark road seemed to continue on and the objects in the corners of my sight were strange and unfamiliar. i suddenly turned back to realize that i have lost my way.

i shook my head with hopes that my state of mind would normalize. unfortunately, my spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.  i decided to a complete halt in the middle of that growing darkness of dawn. as i looked back the lights from those poles flickered from seemingly far away. those lights then placed the memory back to remembrance of that night in Manila when we were in a room at the 32nd floor of that fancy hotel. we opened the windows and looked down at those city lights that flickered like the flickering lights from those pole behind my path. with all my strength, i have tried to fight the memory from breaking loose. my friends i have gathered tonight to find distractions from this excruciating anguish of having to bear the memory of her face.

that night, we looked  down to the movements below us as we held hands and planned for a future that i thought would come to pass. i remember so well the look on her face when suddenly, tears bursted from her innocent eyes for a reason unknown to me, for a reason she said was not relevant.

i continued to gaze at those lights as they flicker, this time on my weakened knees. i have lost my strength and my heart was too heavy to bear because earlier tonight, then did i know what her tears were for when i answered my phone. she called me up just before she boarded the plane that would take her away never to return. i gently rubbed my eyes to wipe the tears away. my hopes have fled away and i dont see us together in that future we planned while we looked down, with hands held so tight, to those city lights. it was just a lie she shared with a fool such as me.

i have turned my fears, my pain and my love into rage, as i forcefully lifted myself up. though the road ahead seemed blurry and endless; though i never knew where it would lead, i took brave and wrathful steps forward and slowly disappeared into the darkness… 

An Ode To Mama

i love you, mama…

you woke me up today and suddenly a feeling of gratitude come rushing in my heart. i know i dont usually tell you or show you how i truly feel inside. but i thank you so much for being there when i needed you. i know we only got you and me. i am here for you as sure as you will always be there for me.

i remember well everything that you and i went through.  i have seen your tears, your wounds and bruises. i witnessed how you fought the man who, for years have tried to break us down. i have known the life we live and that lie we kept everyday. we have lied to ourselves too; thinking that we are okay when we were not. i remember when i decided to leave him and you came with me. we were without a home and we were stripped from the wealth that you have worked for night and day. we left everything to start all over again - just you and me.

mama, no one will ever be able to break us down again. no man will ever break your heart again. i know you know that we are better off alone without a husband and without a father.

thank you for the strength that you gave me. i almost gave up but you never did. though i see your heart bleeding, you still smile and wipe your tears just to assure me you are okay. thank you for fighting for my life, thank you for loving me, thank you for laying down your life to save mine.

i love you, mama…

…so much.

I Made It Through

…been very busy with work, busy singing for the band, busy pushing for my application for a higher position in the company that i am working for. i have been all over the place everyday, doing my usual routine - hardly taking my rest or sleep. fortunately, the management has granted me a week off from work.

i returned home today, turned on the lights and sat on the side of my long unused bed. thoughts then started to flow as i listened to the silence that surround me. my memories took me back when i was still going to college, way back when life was harsh and cruel, and everyday seemed like a battle and the only way out was to fall into a deep sleep to wake up again for another day's fight. each and every day was a cycle of defeat… was defeated in my battle for love, for family, for wealth, for truth and justice. all that i ever possessed was stripped from me.

today when i look back, i couldn't help but weep. i couldn't believe how i made it through, how i manage to pull things together and make my troubles work for my benefit. i weep in amazement at how strong i am and how stronger i am becoming. i weep because i still wonder how i was able to turn things around. i was only a kid when i started to stand for myself; not seeking help from anyone else but me. heroes dont exist in my life. i am my own hero. i have proven it.