A realization

it has been a very long time since i last posted something here. i have been really busy these days and i barely even have time for myself. my work load now increased and im facing a new challenge in my career since i have just been promoted to a higher position in the company that i work for.

nothing very significant happened to me since i last posted an entry here. i have lived a very monotonous life these days, no adventures, no special events, no heart-warming love -  just nothing  but work. oh well, i go out with my friends as well, just to smoke and have some beer. and im tired… and lonely. i have everything i need, i lack nothing but one thing: the happiness that i felt when Patty was still mine. in the middle of my busy schedule, i would usually take a pause for a reason that is unknown to me. then i feel a certain pinch inside my chest and this tiny pinch grows into pain as i tried to figure out what it was for. i would just thrug it away and push through with the busy routine that i go through every single day.

today, the pinch came to visit me again. suddenly, it seemed to me like i was in the middle of an actively engaged crowd - lost and alone.  in that very second i was able to ask myself why im busy, why im working, why im so caught up with what i do. i began to question what all this is for.

since the day i said goodbye to her, i focused all my attention and time on working, writing angry songs rather than love songs and went on with my life pretending that i never knew her at all. i just couldnt take the pain of letting go.

now i know what that pinch in my chest was about. now i know why im working so hard.

i miss her and i love her. but i guess i need to finally let go of the past and all the sweet memories of the only person that i truly loved. i know that i'll never love this way again.

Reposted: Memories of the Flickering City Lights

i walked in zigzag as i tried to walk home with alcohol in my blood. it was forty past two during that cold dawn. as i tried to figure out the right path, i would pause to look then proceed. somehow, my eyes became so lazy and tired until my vision turned unclear. the light from the poles which are very far apart were weak - they would fade into the darkness until i’d reach another pole with yet another blurry light. i pressed on and slowly began to wonder where i was in my journey home.  as i looked ahead, the dark road seemed to continue on, and the objects in the corners of my sight were strange and unfamiliar. i suddenly turned back to realize that i have lost my way.

i shook my head with hopes that my state of mind would normalize. the spirit was willing but my flesh was weak.  i decided to a complete halt in the middle of that growing darkness of dawn. as i looked back, the lights from those poles flickered from seemingly far away. those lights then placed the memory back to remembrance of that night in Manila; when we were in a room at the 12nd floor of that fancy hotel. we opened the windows and looked down to those city lights that flickered like the pole lights that filckered behind my path. with all i am, i have tried to fight the memory from breaking loose. I have gathered all my friends tonight to find distractions from this excruciating anguish of having to bear the memory of her face.

that night, we looked  down to the movements below us as we held hands and planned for a future that i thought would come to pass. i remember so well the look on her face when, suddenly, tears bursted from her innocent eyes for a reason unknown to me - for a reason she said was not relevant.

i continued to gaze at those lights as they flicker - this time, on my weakened knees. i have lost my strength, and my heart felt too heavy. when i answered my phone earlier tonight, only then did i know why she wept during our stay in that hotel. she called me up just before she boarded the plane that would take her away never to return. i gently rubbed my eyes to wipe the tears away. my hope has deserted me, and i dont see us together in that future we planned while we looked down, with hands held together, to those city lights. it was just a lie.

i have turned my fears, my pain and my love into rage, as i forcefully lifted myself up. though the road ahead seemed blurry and endless, though i never knew where it would lead, i took brave and wrathful steps forward and slowly disappeared into the darkness… 

5 months before…… 

after the heat has subsided, she told me to put my arms
around her and just embrace her until the sun would
peek from the horizon. and so i did. it was more than
just wonderful to have her with me. i was so happy and
yet slowly, i began to feel a little pain growing in
my heart. there was this tiny pinch that i felt deep
within me. i began to hum a song to put her to sleep, i was awake;
holding her close to me and i just watched over she as
she slept…

tears began to fall from my eyes and my voice shook
until i went through the last note. the pain inside my
heart has taken over me. it did hurt a lot to know that
when tomorrow would come, she would have to leave, go home
 not knowing when we would see each other again….

Heart of the Matter - India Arie

******** i just can't say anything about this song. Jenny, a friend of mine from Cebu told me about this song and when i checked it out, i was blown away by its message. such a nice song… **********

Hahahaha! Hindi ako makaisip ng title para d2!

Tue love, once it was
Now has crumbled to lies and hate
As deception held it captive
To the beauty of broken fate.

Let the stars retreat their light
For I wont wish wish on them, no more
Let the sunshine fade
And the music be silenced
For I have lost the battle,
My sword broken
And my body bruised and wounded,
My heart ton apart
My soul decapitated.

True love, once it was
Has caused my death,
True love, once it was
Has ended tonight
Love - now is a lie
Spared not my life.

This Present Time

i wanna keep things simple…

 after a break up that i thought would kill me, i am so surprised that in 3 days time i was able to move on. it was an awesome feeling when i woke up that morning to find out that i was not hurting anymore. i felt like i resurrected and to think that it was the 3rd day since the break up. finally, i am over with the pain, the tears and all that. nevertheless, the love inside me remained.

right now, i also face a crossroad…well, i am choosing between 3 things: 1.) goin back to school 2.) continue working and fly to manila 3.) or to cebu.

those are the major things in my life… at this present time… wala lang. share…

After everything; the shipwreck

It has been a wild ride on a ship I thought was strong; a ship that we both built more than year ago. We let it sail the ocean we both thought was love. We had our ups and downs as the waves constantly change in size, challenging the ship the holds us both together. Trials did come and go, but the relationship was able to withstand them. So I thought that I would be on the ship with her for the rest of my life. Never did it come to my mind that there is such a time for a bitter end.

But now, I have come to believe that even the strongest and the biggest ship is no match and would not withstand the trouble caused but its captains. The waves were not able to overthrow our ship. We overturned the ship ourselves.

The joyride ended. The ship has been destroyed.  Alone and lonely, I tried to swim. Stilltrying to find my way out.

It’s Over Now

For one year, 9 months, 2 days and 22 hours, we have been together.  I guess everything really has to end. I could die due to this immense pain. But I guess dying wont bring you back. One day, I will return to restore our broken vows. I love you.

Lover

Just to be where you are -
Unwanted as I may be
Love spent into nothingness
I remember you lied to me
Abandoned to your call
New life I thought it was;
Cursed and destined to fall
Away I passed as withered grass.
Rejoice, oh my lover
Lust has victored at last -
Over me to discover
Broken dreams, broken trust,
All the heavens cry.
You have shattered my heart
Lay me in silence tonight -
On a stone tablet in the dark
New life has come to die.

Just wonderin’…

hhhhmm… today i realized that i have gained weight and almost everyone is noticing my weight gain. have i been eating too much due to my previous depression? well, i also have noticed my weight increase. damn! i wonder why everyone is so concerned about every detail of my life -  my clothes, weight and height, my complexion, my hair style and color, my eyes and their color and lashes, my teeth, my hands and nails, the hair on my legs and some even have the guts to comment on my butt.

i remember that ever since i was a little kid, there is always something in the way people look at me. there was a time when my family needed to move to another town. when i was still i kid, i never really liked going out of our house unless my friends would ask me to go out and play. so when we moved in to our new home, i just stayed inside the house if my mom wont take me shopping with her.

my mom's boyfriend  finally made friends with a neighbor who brought his kid to our house, and there goes my first friend, who then reported to me that most of the kids outside are speculating things about about me, they talk about me, they would even peek through our gate to see what im doing if ever they knew that i am at the lawn playing with my toy cars or or my toy soldiers. to cut the long story short and when they becamse my playmates, i was able to verify that everything reported to me was true.

it's wierd and it is not very comforting. until today, similar things happen. when i walk down the streets, i can see people staring and looking at me until i would disppear at a corner. hhhmm.. i know if i should be flattered or should i feel cursed 'coz maybe there is something wrong with me why they do those things.

anyway, bahala na nga sila!

Realization

right now, i am undergoing a very tough part of my life. i cried, i tore my room into pieces just to let out the anger that i feel towards myself. i screamed and fought with my mom who kept insisting that i am crazy. hhhhmmm… well, she WAS right. weeks before, i seemed to have lost my mind due to so many issues in my damn life -  issues that i am not yet ready to disclose.

but today, i realized that life is really like this. i mean, hey, i gotta live my life. darkness may have prevailed against me now. but i now know that it wont be forever.  i know a day will come that when i wake up, every trouble will be over.

here’s one simple lesson i learned today: if i dont live my life, i will die.