In my mind…

i have been feeling really down lately and i have no idea why. it's not something that i can put my finger on. it just happens in the middle of the day and i end up banging my head to angry songs that my mom abhors, just to calm my disturbed soul.

my friend, Selina is also going through the same thing. i dont know…

i just want to at least channel this craziness out of me.

i can't think well, i ca't write well, i can't feel well… perhaps i am going to lose my sanity any moment. nothing seems to be right no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try to struggle against this sickness, i cant fight it.

i just hope and pray that tomorrow when i wake up, this will all be over and i would be given another chance to start my life the right way.

Guess revenge might be sweet.

i've been lied to, i have been fooled and have been played around. it was painful but i took it all in since i didnt have anything to lean on. i made you my priority while i allowed myself to be just your option. i was such a fool to believe that you are perfect and that you are heaven-sent.

now i see and i know who you really are. you are a THIEF, a WHORE and a LIAR. until this very day, i still wonder why i wasn't able to see that you are not for me. i know you knew that i was hurting, i was in pain and in deep anguish. still  you held me prisoner.

well, now that i finally found myself, my life, my pride, i have grown strong. even stronger as every day unfolds. i guess revenge is sweet when it is unplanned and unknown. i guess it will even be sweeter if i see you being lied to, being fooled and being played around like you did to me. i guess nothing could be sweeter if i find out that this time, i am the one lying, fooling and playing around.

 i never planned this. it just happened.

and it is sweet.

I Miss My Beybi So Bad I Could Cry

beybi, i love you and i miss you.

i miss having you near me.

i miss seeing your smile.

i miss observing you as you move about the room.

i miss your lips and your kisses.

i miss your embrace.

i miss your scent.

i miss the touch of your face.

i miss holding your hands.

i miss the way you cried when i said i love you.

i miss the moment when you said you love me too.

i miss caressing your hair.

i miss looking at your eyes as i see you looking back.

i miss everything about you.

i love you…    :'(

Here again

6:47 in the evening is the time on the clock as i sit here facing this bright silver screen… beside me is the owner of my heart. thinking about whether leaving by tomorrow or staying for another day.

hhhmmm…

if only i can have the chance to change the status quo. i know it's crazy but i dont wanna have to go home and miss her so much. i wish i could just change the world and just place my house right over here in Roxas City. just a foolish wish though. but one day, i will let her stay with me never to leave my side again.

beybi, i love you and that will be forever.

Thoughtless (para sa mga taong walang pakialam!)

Thoughts…

questions ran through my head as i woke up beside her today. i now find myself in this strange city, not knowing anyone but her. early this morning as she disappeared behind the gates of her school, i was left alone to roam these unfamiliar city streets. i seem to feel a little pinch in my heart, not because i was alone then. i just thought of all the ups and downs that happened between this person that i have given my heart wholy. i thought about my doubts and perhaps the doubts she might've kept inside. i dont know what i was thinking exactly. i just have this feeling that in my very short stay with her, a lot of things still have to be cleared and put to the light.

i love her. and that is one thing that will never change. right now, i just hope and i pray that everything else, that all other reasons that would keep us from ourselves would just fade away.  i desire that before i step out of the gates of this city, everything will be in place - our hearts will be in place.

The Power Of Love

hhmmm…

 i was randomly browsing through youtube.com for other celine dion videos since i have been going crazy over the song "I'm Alive". i have posted a live perfomance of that song on my previous entry. i then came across this video. i didnt really like the song very much but i watched it anyway.

unfortunately, the video is now unavailable. shoot! but atill moving on…

i listened to the song and i searched for its lyrics online. the essence of its meaning is magnificent. gosh… i dont consider myself as a romantic person but i was so touched by the message this song brings. relating this to the video (a live performace of celine dion in las vegas last 2003), the vocals conveyed so much feelings, sufficient to channel the intense emotion brought about by this particular song. the set on the stage was amazingly fashioned to fit the message of love. the colors and lights-  all bright and shining, combined together to create an atmosphere of ramonce. the dancers - they all moved about the stage with perfect grace and and beautifully restrained elegance.

everything was orchestrated perfectly in such a disciplined manner that would give justice to this beautiful musical creation. justice was indeed given during this lovely performance.

ang corny!!!!!!!

The Theme: Born Again

 i realized that living in the past is so wrong. playing the memories in my head over and over again never brought me anywhere. hay naku… this entry is not superb, whatsoever, but it surely means a lot to me.

Thank You For The Rain

Isang tula for my baby… (Wag ka nang umiyak)…

We then started walking

Tried to reach for your hand
But I couldnt dare
The rain then started falling
But as If I care

You mentioned earlier something about raining
How it seemed not to cooperate on our every rendezvous
That night it came as a slight drizzle
Yet all I can think of was you

We walked on in silence
Tried to break it but was so inevitable
Silence to me was having you in my mind
But not to hear your voice was even more unbearable

The moment came to bid you goodbye, goodnight
Started to walk away but you called out my name
I walked back just to have you lean to me closer
My lips felt your sweet, soft ones, there goes our first kiss
I couldnt be happier

I love you baby, and I know you love me too
People might now say Im lame
But Im so thankful to have you
Just as I am for the rain

       - thanks JC…

Memories of the Flickering City Lights

i walked in zigzag as i tried to walk home with alcohol in my blood and it was forty past two during that cold dawn. tried to figure out the right path, i would pause to look then proceed. somehow, my eyes became so lazy and tired that my vision turned unclear, and the light from the poles which are very far apart are weak;  they fade into the darkness until i reach another pole with a blurry light. i pressed on and slowly began to wonder where i was in my journey home.  as i looked ahead, the dark road seemed to continue on and the objects in the corners of my sight were strange and unfamiliar. i suddenly turned back to realize that i have lost my way.

i shook my head with hopes that my state of mind would normalize. unfortunately, my spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.  i decided to a complete halt in the middle of that growing darkness of dawn. as i looked back the lights from those poles flickered from seemingly far away. those lights then placed the memory back to remembrance of that night in Manila when we were in a room at the 32nd floor of that fancy hotel. we opened the windows and looked down at those city lights that flickered like the flickering lights from those pole behind my path. with all my strength, i have tried to fight the memory from breaking loose. my friends i have gathered tonight to find distractions from this excruciating anguish of having to bear the memory of her face.

that night, we looked  down to the movements below us as we held hands and planned for a future that i thought would come to pass. i remember so well the look on her face when suddenly, tears bursted from her innocent eyes for a reason unknown to me, for a reason she said was not relevant.

i continued to gaze at those lights as they flicker, this time on my weakened knees. i have lost my strength and my heart was too heavy to bear because earlier tonight, then did i know what her tears were for when i answered my phone. she called me up just before she boarded the plane that would take her away never to return. i gently rubbed my eyes to wipe the tears away. my hopes have fled away and i dont see us together in that future we planned while we looked down, with hands held so tight, to those city lights. it was just a lie she shared with a fool such as me.

i have turned my fears, my pain and my love into rage, as i forcefully lifted myself up. though the road ahead seemed blurry and endless; though i never knew where it would lead, i took brave and wrathful steps forward and slowly disappeared into the darkness…