An Ode To Mama

i love you, mama…

you woke me up today and suddenly a feeling of gratitude come rushing in my heart. i know i dont usually tell you or show you how i truly feel inside. but i thank you so much for being there when i needed you. i know we only got you and me. i am here for you as sure as you will always be there for me.

i remember well everything that you and i went through.  i have seen your tears, your wounds and bruises. i witnessed how you fought the man who, for years have tried to break us down. i have known the life we live and that lie we kept everyday. we have lied to ourselves too; thinking that we are okay when we were not. i remember when i decided to leave him and you came with me. we were without a home and we were stripped from the wealth that you have worked for night and day. we left everything to start all over again - just you and me.

mama, no one will ever be able to break us down again. no man will ever break your heart again. i know you know that we are better off alone without a husband and without a father.

thank you for the strength that you gave me. i almost gave up but you never did. though i see your heart bleeding, you still smile and wipe your tears just to assure me you are okay. thank you for fighting for my life, thank you for loving me, thank you for laying down your life to save mine.

i love you, mama…

…so much.

I Made It Through

…been very busy with work, busy singing for the band, busy pushing for my application for a higher position in the company that i am working for. i have been all over the place everyday, doing my usual routine - hardly taking my rest or sleep. fortunately, the management has granted me a week off from work.

i returned home today, turned on the lights and sat on the side of my long unused bed. thoughts then started to flow as i listened to the silence that surround me. my memories took me back when i was still going to college, way back when life was harsh and cruel, and everyday seemed like a battle and the only way out was to fall into a deep sleep to wake up again for another day's fight. each and every day was a cycle of defeat… was defeated in my battle for love, for family, for wealth, for truth and justice. all that i ever possessed was stripped from me.

today when i look back, i couldn't help but weep. i couldn't believe how i made it through, how i manage to pull things together and make my troubles work for my benefit. i weep in amazement at how strong i am and how stronger i am becoming. i weep because i still wonder how i was able to turn things around. i was only a kid when i started to stand for myself; not seeking help from anyone else but me. heroes dont exist in my life. i am my own hero. i have proven it.

Musings

hhhhmm…. got nothing on my mind. i dont know… i hate the way i feel right now but i got nothing to say.

 let me try to let it out.

well, if this blog is about getting naked, i mean, letting my real thoughts out, i wonder why i aint able to express. perhaps i have lost my touch in writing or maybe i have lost my vocabulary. i guess both. but nevertheless, i think i still know how to spell. i should start from there.

 okay. why not have my own spelling quiz like i used to do when i was a young boy? guess that's a pretty cute idea.

Fear  -  i have been longing to get this feeling out my chest. i fear a lot of things. those things are, sometimes, even unknown to me. perhaps i am just…

Insecure - …because i devoid of many material things. materials things? i've got everything i need. hhmmm.. let me think again.  maybe i am insecure because i am not the most good-looking in town, i am not a genius, or maybe because i am not a billionaire. i have no idea. on thing is clear: i need to look into myself again. it has been a long time since i last gazed deep into my soul.

Carelessness - this word should mean something to me. this suddenly popped up in my empty head. according to my memory and as far as it can recall, the choices that i have made these past few years were all wrong.  i was careless when i made choices. looking back, i cant believe how stupid i can really be. so far, the last correct decision i've made was when i decided to continue on with school. that was 3 years ago.

Hopes - i still see a little light not so far away. i know that in the midst of this battle that i caused, a saviour will take my hand and lead me out of all these troubles. i still have hopes that i am going to arise above all the fingers that point my mistakes and above every man that desires for my loss and declension.

Love - this is one thing i still have to learn. i dont know what this is…

You Are A King

i looked at the screen of the computer but it seemed too blurry and my eyes began to hurt. I forcefully shook my head to get myself to look at it clearly. Fortunately, it was successful. But there is one thing that I am not successful with. Yes, I have gotten my clear sight when I shook my head, but still the soul deep within me is blurry and hazy.

I have been thinking about so many things these days that I dont know if I am already hurting other people. Maybe I've been selfish coz I always wanted people's attention and care (which I am not getting). But hey, dont I deserve a little bit of consideration and understanding? I have been going through tough times. Look. My grandpa died. But let me tell you that he is not one of those thousands of other grandpas.

My childhood was so painful and full of grief. I can still remember when my family would not be able to make ends meet regarding our finances, our social status (we used to be the richest family in our place), our relationships, and especially, regarding me. They never expected me to come out of my mom's womb. But I was there. With all those pressures coming on every side, my family slowly fell apart, and I dont wanna dig deeper into that dark past.

In all those tribulations, though I was just a kid, I knew that something was wrong and I knew that it was serious. I would even cry myself to sleep sometimes because no matter how I tried to understand the situation that we are into, my mind would always fail me. I would spend hours labouring to think what could've gone wrong but my poor soul could not contain it.

There was only one person who kept me going on: my grandpa. He would stay late at night with me as I cry myself to sleep. He would keep on telling me that I am still a kid and I should not be troubled. He would tell me stories about his youth and the way things used to be and he'd say that no matter how poor we were that time, we would be able to get all the glory back into our hands. With those simple words, he never knew how he was able to keep me breathing and keep me waking up every painful morning, realizing that none of those glories was coming back. It's not about being rich; it's about being able to eat three times a day.

One day, my mom disowned me. She told me that if it wasn't because of me, they shouldn't have suffered. I was totally devastated by those words that came out of my mom's mouth that seem to cut me open.

One night, I was lying on my bed again, trying to cry myself to sleep but I couldn't sleep, so I just cried. Then my grandpa came near me, picked me up and he put his arms around me. I could feel his love overflowing. I can't believe how he was able to love such an unlovable being such as me. He loved me when no one else could. He tenderly kissed me and whispered in my ear, "Dong, you are never alone in this. Your Lolo is with you and I promise that I would get you out of this." He began to cry. Then he continued on, "Dong, don't ever listen to what you mom told you because it is never true. You're part of this family; YOU ARE A KING."

 The last line hit me to my core. I've never heard of someone calling me a king. But though I knew that it wasn't true, I believed grandpa. He told me that whenever I feel so down, I must remember that I am a king and I have to fear no one.

He was my source of strength, hope, courage, joy, peace, inspiration and love. He was my everything. I trusted him alone. I didn't even trust myself but I trusted him, and that trust allowed me to breathe every tiresome breath everyday as I struggled to live.

But now, I see him in that white coffin, lifeless, cold and out of reach. Oh, how I long to see myself with him. The world that I built around him just quaked and tumbled down to nothingness. As gaze upon him lying there, I could see my strength, hope, courage, joy, peace, inspiration, trust and love slip away from my grasp and leave. Every dream that we dreamed together just settled on the breeze and faded away.

"Dong, don't ever listen to what your mom told you because it is never true. Your part of this family; YOU ARE A KING." And then I realized that I am not a king, that the kingdom I owned was never there, and that my castle was made of sand…

Thought I Was Strong…

it has been almost one year since i last confessed…

…since i last confessed of my love.

i have told you i am stronger now. but there is still a part of me that remained as unsettled, as fragile and as sensitive as a little child. it has been there all along. as i became busy with building my majestic SELF, i became less aware of its existence inside me.

just this afternoon, as i was sitting right there in front of the computer, it suddenly occured to me.

i miss you.

i havent done anything to remind myself of you. it just struck me right to the core! i was shaken when i finally accepted this truth; that i still need you here beside me. i have reached much since that day you said goodbye. surely, i smiled and laughed a lot. never did that mean that i was happy. though i smiled and laughed, there was this tiny pinch that i feel deep within. i laughed this feeling away.

it remained.

and just this lazy afternoon, it finally erupted right inside me.

still, i know that i am stronger now. because i can still live, breathe and make it without you here with me. in your absence, i can still do those things i do. without you, the sun will still rise and brighten up the day, the hours will still go by and life will go on. without you, i can still make it. but i now realized… it could've been better, life could be even merrier, i would be happier and my days would be brighter if i had you… if only i still have you…

Stronger

this time around i have decided to decide what is worth deciding.
i have decided to be strong. was i weak? never. i wasnt weak. i was just being stupid thinking i couldnt make it on my own. huh!

this time around i learned to give my time in flourishing myself. the growth may not be seen yet. yes. you can take me for granted. i have learned not to care for anyone anymore. but dont you dare going around telling everyone that once in blue moon, i smiled at you.

no. i'm not saying that i am superior.

my loss has worked for my gain. i was once blinded and i couldnt see what lies ahead of me and what is there yet to be uncovered. i was once so preoccupied with the "loss". but after a season of wrestling with myself, i finally understood what all this is for. you are one of those who ended my life so i could build a new and better one.

thank you.

it wasnt that easy for me to be able to conquer those nights of constant struggle, those never ending nights of groping in the dark and not knowing what to do or think, those nights of endless waiting - waiting for sleep to finally come and put me into total forgetfullness and rest. it was never easy to watch the clock tick, knowing that night is approaching and the same permeating pain would eventually swallow my soul. it wasnt easy for me to wait for the dawn and the sun to come up and illuminate my darkened world.

thank you for the very hard time you caused me. thank you for the torture you put me through. thank you for the heartbreaks. thank you for all the times you fought with me. thank you for back stabbing me. thank you for tearing me apart. thank you for crucifying me. all those has made me a better person. thank you so much.

i've learned. this time around, no more giving off tears. this time, no more giving off hearts. no more. ahh! life is a game and this time,  i am in control. thank you for mentoring me on how to lose my grip. now i have gained my hold back. i will never let it go.

12:48

it's 48 minutes past noon. here i sit near the door looking at no particular thing outside as i replay the memories i kept hidden inside my mind: the first time i heard your name, the first time i sent you a message and you did reply, that dull-suddenly-turned-bright, nimbus cloud-filled saturday morning when we met and got introduced to each other, the moment you reached out your hand and i took it. remember very well that rainy tuesday night when i went through the rain to meet you because you said so, that cold wednesday night when we smiled and began to walk hand in hand on those wet streets, not minding where we were heading just as long as we know that we have each other. i could vividly recall the feeling of being alone with you that thursday night when the rain came falling down again. i knew that time that there was something stirring inside us both. it was more than just wonderful. i still know the feel of your lips caressing mine when i called your beautiful name and leaned forward to you that same drizzly thursday night. the very moment my lips touched yours was no less than magical.

wait…

tears are beginning to fall now. i just realized that it is actually raining. and i am reminded of you and everything we went through together everytime it rains. perhaps because the rain was always there whenever we were together. haven't you noticed? i dont know…

I’ve Learned

somehow, now i am learning more than ever. it has been a very wild ride. and i barely know myself now. i have done so many things that at first i didnt know i was capable of doing. now, when i look back at those times, i could only shake my head in disbelief.

i have awaken from a deep slumber filled with nightmares. and i am glad that i was able to grab hold and gather myself up again before i got so caught up in all the false bliss the dream-turned-nightmare gave me.

the best thing of all is that though i have been partially broken, i learned my lesson. yah, i learned it the hard way because i didnt take head to my convictions. i let my mind and emotions take control. nevertheless, i now know what i needed to know. i have the scars of battle. and though i am hurt and wounded, i have won. i have learned.